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Have I cracked? Egg-stremely likely.

I’m starting out angry today.

I know that’s not healthy or good. But that’s where I am, and I’m not ready to let go of it. I’m hoping it might actually lead to productivity. Sometimes that happens.

I am tired. I’m pretty sure there’s a good chance that my being slack on my vitamins lately has something to do with it. My diet (as in, “what I’m eating,” not “what I’m not eating”) likely has been playing a part: little of it has been good. But really, I am still attributing most of my exhaustion to stress.

Yesterday was Easter Sunday. It didn’t feel right, as most big holidays over the past 5-8 years haven’t. I’m not sure any quiet holiday will ever feel right to me. Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and heck, even Independence Day, Memorial Day, and Labor Day — they all had been synonymous with “family and food overload” resulting in a full stomach and a good, much-needed, sound sleep that night.

Since moving 500 miles away from the bulk of my family, and something more like 1200 miles from my husband’s, family-filled holidays are few and far between. There is a kind of relief in the lighter obligations, but the fact is, I’m part of a big family. Without that, I feel less than myself. So, I try more and more to create new families. Not necessarily in the biological sense, mind you. But with friends. I’ve tried to “adopt” college students from out of state; having been one myself, I thought it a good thing. But as the age gap grows between the students and my husband and I, I guess we’ve become less relatable. And traveling out of town is typically too much for the short weekends retail allows (if any), the short gas budget, and the shorter members of our crew here.

All that to say I’m homesick.

Which is not why I’m angry.

The more I think about it, the less I want to post about it specifically. I feel like if I’m specific about it, it will work like “The Power of Positive Thinking” in reverse. I don’t need this to manifest itself more fully. But the vague gist is that the past couple days I have felt very much taken for granted. I have felt like I’m responsible for more than my share of the mundane. I have felt in-synch with so many years of my mother’s complaints.

…

On that note, happy Easter Monday!

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I must say…

I am so happy to hear Mr. Mraz changed the lyrics for “I’m yours” in the “We Sing” EP: they now say “God-intended right” instead of “God forsaken.”

🙂

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…but I see it shining in your eyes, and you know what I mean.

Ever go back and rediscover some of those old songs, cds, cassettes, even vinyls (and maybe some 8-tracks) that used to make you feel so good, back in the day? I’m talking “way back” as in the bubblegum that you sang in the car to 5 years ago as well as “way, way back,” like the records Mom & Dad would play. Wild what music can do. I mean, right now I’m trying to think of a single “Bread” song, but I’m at a loss. Still, I know that if I were to listen to whatever album it was that my parents still have under the turntable in the living room, I’d instantly be a little girl again. Magically, I’d know every word to “Baby I’m-a want you.” (I cheated, I looked on amazon, but really, I do know all the words…)

Likewise, there are those songs that may have been “lost in a previous learning experience” — what happens when you hear one? Does your stomach fill with butterflies? Do you feel nostalgic? Do you change the station, plug your ears, hum a different song?

Prior to dating my husband, I had been in a couple other relationships that were heavily laden with music. As a result, I regretfully grew to hate Billy Joel, respect Eminem, actually listen to Limp Bizkit (still hate ’em), and have a cd wallet full of wonderful lesser-known acoustic artists who may still be touring the college circuit. One of those relationships turned me onto Hooverphonic, Moby, Beth Orton, among others.

So when Beth Orton’s “It’s Not the Spotlight” (from the Stir of Echoes soundtrack) started to play on my random “play every song I’ve ever owned” playlist, I had mixed emotions. I
was again a college student, lonely, painting at 3am. Still, I love the song. But now there’s something new in it: since that friendship has since dissolved, there is another layer to it. I can’t bear to remove it from my playlist let alone my library because it is truly one of my all-time favorite songs (yes, even knocking some Mraz out of the ranks), but it makes me feel … dejected.

Anyhow, there are plenty of other songs that do that amazing timetravel: “Under the boardwalk,” “Brown-eyed Girl,” “Chim Chim Cheree,” “One Headlight,” “Walkin’ on Sunshine,” “We Belong,” and “At the Beginning” are just a handful of mine.

What are yours?