poetry • art • marriage • momhood • faith

Have I cracked? Egg-stremely likely.

I’m starting out angry today.

I know that’s not healthy or good. But that’s where I am, and I’m not ready to let go of it. I’m hoping it might actually lead to productivity. Sometimes that happens.

I am tired. I’m pretty sure there’s a good chance that my being slack on my vitamins lately has something to do with it. My diet (as in, “what I’m eating,” not “what I’m not eating”) likely has been playing a part: little of it has been good. But really, I am still attributing most of my exhaustion to stress.

Yesterday was Easter Sunday. It didn’t feel right, as most big holidays over the past 5-8 years haven’t. I’m not sure any quiet holiday will ever feel right to me. Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and heck, even Independence Day, Memorial Day, and Labor Day — they all had been synonymous with “family and food overload” resulting in a full stomach and a good, much-needed, sound sleep that night.

Since moving 500 miles away from the bulk of my family, and something more like 1200 miles from my husband’s, family-filled holidays are few and far between. There is a kind of relief in the lighter obligations, but the fact is, I’m part of a big family. Without that, I feel less than myself. So, I try more and more to create new families. Not necessarily in the biological sense, mind you. But with friends. I’ve tried to “adopt” college students from out of state; having been one myself, I thought it a good thing. But as the age gap grows between the students and my husband and I, I guess we’ve become less relatable. And traveling out of town is typically too much for the short weekends retail allows (if any), the short gas budget, and the shorter members of our crew here.

All that to say I’m homesick.

Which is not why I’m angry.

The more I think about it, the less I want to post about it specifically. I feel like if I’m specific about it, it will work like “The Power of Positive Thinking” in reverse. I don’t need this to manifest itself more fully. But the vague gist is that the past couple days I have felt very much taken for granted. I have felt like I’m responsible for more than my share of the mundane. I have felt in-synch with so many years of my mother’s complaints.

On that note, happy Easter Monday!

5 Comments

  1. Ginger Ginger
    March 25, 2008    

    hhhmmmm….i can relate to the angry part ~ and why you don’t want to speak it out loud. i’m sorry you’re not feeling yourself and that your holidays aren’t synching with your inner celebratory self.

    i’m just happy that my family lets me alone on the holidays now though, i like them peaceful.

    take your vitamins, you need them especially when you’re stressed…and rest.

    and breeeeeaaaaathe……

  2. Bree Bree
    March 28, 2008    

    I can totally relate to creating families. I call them my urban tribe. Point is that age is not an issue with the right people. Some of my dearest friends have over 25 years on me. Your crew may be smaller, but I will venture to say no less familial. 🙂

    Take care.

  3. artjewl artjewl
    March 28, 2008    

    Unfortunately, the other problem with creating family out of college students is that they tend to move back home, or just away, once they’ve graduated. Unless, of course, the student is me. I only made it 3 miles from my college.

    I do like “urban tribe.” I’ll have to start using that. 🙂

    Oh, and ginger, I’ve been back on track with my vitamins. Amazing how that helps. 🙂

  4. Ginger Ginger
    March 29, 2008    

    yay vitamins!! and i will eat lots of fiber. (cheesy grin)

  5. Chucka Stone Designs Chucka Stone Designs
    March 31, 2008    

    Yes I am with the girls that eating right is definitely one of the best ways to relieve stress. Are you into yoga or meditation or anything of that sort? With the boys is there any chance to escape for even 15 minutes of silence every day? In my most stressful times I sometimes reach for things like french fries and TV and less for water and quiet even though those are the things I really need. Trying to change that lately and make time to reboot my brain, alone in the quiet. I hope the anger fades, you get to see your family soon and feel better 🙂

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torch bearing quietly

I will not act out, will not
yell or curse or slam doors,
will not make a scene -- you
do not deserve such a chance
to make an example out of me
to be proven right since you
are not. Instead, I'll stand
at this street corner, raise
my hand high and clench that
light which yet remains. It
will burn brightly, quietly,
fiercely before fading as I.

Then I'll be gone but found.

©JAC 2005

Poetry by Julie Ann Cook!

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Love Like Weeds
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