“Just wanna know that You still know how many hairs are on my head.
Oh, great God
(Are You small enough?)
Be small enough to hear me now”
— Nicole Nordeman, “Small Enough”
Where am I, who am I now?
I heard the song lyrics above today for the first time, and they really captured where I feel I’m at. I still have faith. I still know God is here, with me in my grief, this grief that still feels so big to me. But when I am in those dark moments, the best way I can explain it is that I feel like a dying star. I feel like I am collapsing into myself. I feel like I can’t make myself small enough. And I want to feel God with me in that small space.
I went to a healing mission last night at my church. I prayed a rosary, journaled my conversation with God, cried, went to reconciliation, cried some more, and prayed another rosary in Christ’s presence. I know He’s healing me. But it’s not as fast as I want. I keep reminding myself that if I had been literally hit by a bus, no one would expect me to be back to myself yet. There might be injuries I would have to deal with for the rest of my life. Why should this be any different?
I am making progress. I smile more. My heart is so full it aches when I hold my here-boys. I know I am blessed.
But I’m still hurting.
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Today feels like fall, finally. There’s a chill and a breeze that makes my wind-chimes sing.
The crape myrtles are the first to shed their leaves, though they were the last to gain them.
And as the leaves fall, I am reminded that God can make beauty even of dying.
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