In like a lion, out like a…lion.

Wow. Where the heck did March go? When it started, it was with a bang and a mad dash. Four steps into April, and it’s only barely slowing down.

But that’s not necessarily bad. Just exhausting.

So first, some updates.

About a month ago, a friend was diagnosed with cancer. After surgery & starting chemo, he seems to be doing really well. Word is that he’s not had any ill effects from the chemo, and he’s back to work too. Also, another friend’s dad was also diagnosed with cancer. He’s due for surgery in mid-April; the doctors are optimistic. All good news.

The first week of March a big deal (for me at least) opportunity came up to work “full time” from home. Unfortunately, long story short, that kinda fell through. But that’s not all bad either: with alerting my current employer of my consideration of the other opportunity, I forsee that situation getting better in the very near future, especially with evals coming up in the next couple weeks.

This whole month, it seems, has been a whirlwind for SMR. Especially the first & last week. Well, after my 4:30 am the other night, and finally buckling down, the cover & contents are done!

(note, that cover’s for front AND back; folded in the middle)


So I finalized that today & added it to the site store. I expect you all to order a copy. Or a subscription. Or five. 😉

…after all, it’s National Poetry Month!

Anyhow, hopefully this month will provide ample opportunities for promoting (and selling) the magazine. This one got fatter than anticipated. It’s beautiful, though. Really. And I swear I’d say the same thing even if I wasn’t totally biased.

Well, I’m pushing 3 a.m. again, so it’s time I crash for the night. I am SO ready for sleep without this hanging over my head!

it takes some good to make it hurt

I swear, my head is about to explode. Or something. The past few days have been a constant emotional roller coaster.

Starting with Saturday, I actually got some work done in my (lame excuse for a) garden. Mostly I just weeded, but I also spread out some plants and generally just felt good about accomplishing that much. It’s hard to garden with two small “helpers” who would prefer a construction zone for toy trucks over a garden any day.

Also on Saturday and early Sunday, I got a lot of work done on laying out SMR #3. I’m feeling good about how that’s shaping up, but I’m still lacking in the cover department, so I’m starting to stress over my creative block in that arena.

Sunday night, I have learned that a close friend has cancer. Today I was told another close friend’s father has it too. I don’t know how threatening either one’s condition is, which leaves plenty of room to speculate and worry. I’ve felt like crying since, but haven’t.

On Monday, I was offered a notable job opportunity. It would mean big changes from finances to responsibilities to habits. But it’s not clear cut if it would be the best move for me, mostly since it’s still not quite what I want to be doing.

Also on Monday, I made some good progress on a pet web/poetry progress, which I’m sure to blog about in the near future.

Last night I went to a good business class & felt empowered.

Today I finished a big project at work which felt like I’d been working on forever, so that was a relief. Then before leaving I spoke with HR candidly about the job opportunity I’d received. Basically, that was left with me needing to decide what I want. They might match the pay. If I ask for it.

Today, thank God for easy, happy decisions to make: I got the email announcing Jason Mraz’ US
tour info — and he’s stopping within an hour of here! So I’m pre-ordering my ticket(s) tomorrow. Oh, happy day — April 17th!! I so need that! Of course, DH isn’t interested in going. I think if I’d press, he’d come. Or if the tickets were free. But he says he really has no interest. And I’d hate to push him to come, because then I’d feel responsible for him enjoying himself, and I wouldn’t really enjoy it. So, I’m going to try to find a “date,” but I might just “go stag”… it could be fun to be “single” for the night.

Life is crazy, huh?

(I am so freaking exhausted.)

not a happy bouncy post.

Cancer.

It’s a recurring theme in my poetry and what my hypochondriac-in-denial self is sure to die from, if I don’t die of a heart attack or in a car crash first.

The thought of it scares the crap out of me, turns my insides to mush, makes my throat tight. And that’s when I think of someone else having it.

At the same time, I think I romanticize it in my head. Not that there’s anything romantic about damaged cells going haywire, slowly overpowering a person’s body from the inside out; nor is there a damned thing that’s romantic about chemo or multiple surgeries or any of the other miserable things that cancer can bring. But with any serious illness, there’s inevitably a bit of “do not go gentle…rage, rage” Dylan Thomesque romanticism.

I heard a bit on the radio last week about how cancer survival rates are steadily improving. This does not stop me from imagining a mole on my shoulder is mutating or getting sick over a lump in my chest that was just a cyst.

Cancer freaks me out. I don’t drink pop anymore because of being paranoid about how the damage the acidity does & the free radicals the sugar creates. So everything is water or something with antioxidants or vitamins in it. Lots of antioxidants. Borderline obsession here. (In some nostalgic way, I feel sad that my kids probably won’t know what it’s like to down a quart of red Kool-aid in 30 seconds flat after running around outside on a summer day. I’ll make them drink, I don’t know, guava juice instead. That could get expensive. Still.)

The first person I remember dying was a classmate of mine in first grade. He was hardly there. And when he was, he got to wear his ball cap in class; he was bald from the chemo. I never really got to know him, but he was in our class picture at least. I think it was right at the end of the school year that Brian died of Leukemia.

About two and a half years later, my maternal grandmother went to the hospital. A short couple weeks later, we were at her funeral. At 59 years old, she had died of colon cancer that had spread too far before it was caught.

Not too long after that friend of the family died of a brain tumor. I think he was in his mid 30’s.

A few months back, a close friend was dealing with a cancer scare. The worst part about it for me was that I had no idea how to “be there for her.” I had no clue what to say or do. Any time the thought came up, I felt like retching. Other people have “survivor stories” to share, but for me, “cancer” means “death.” Even if it doesn’t.

Tonight at church, I found out someone who means a great deal to me & my family, someone who is a key reason why we live in the city we do, is going in for surgery on Wednesday to have a tumor removed from his colon. There are also spots on the liver that need to be checked out. The whole scenario is too eerily similar to my grandmother’s story. I haven’t been right since church.

So, do me a personal favor, will ya? Pray, meditate, send good karma his way on Wednesday and for his recovery thereafter. I trust God knows what He’s doing, but happy thoughts can’t hurt, right?

“Don’t you know we are immortal
until our work is done?”

~ missionary Ruth Thompson
as quoted by Ellen Vaughn
in her book,
Time Peace