T-talk about the weather.

So much to say,
So much to say,
So much to say,
So much to say…

Yesterday, as I shuttled my butt all around town, boys occasionally in tow, Dave Matthews’ “So Much to Say” came on the radio. Yes, I’m one of the few who still listens to good ol’ FM radio. Sometimes even AM. But the reception in my minivan is wanting. I typically only get clear reception of one station in the area, and that’s as long as I don’t have my phone plugged in. That station is all 90s, all the time. I’m ok with that.

It had been a hot minute since I had heard the DMB ditty, and naturally that meant that the little earworm burrowed deep into my brain.

When I woke this morning, it was with those four words on loop…

So much to say…

For good reason. They, and the rest of the song are speaking for me lately.

Yeah yeah yeah can’t see the light
Keep it locked up inside don’t talk about it…

Over six months ago I deactivated my “Fakebook” account. I had been a pretty regular user for over ten years prior to that. What changed? Basically, I came to find it exhausting to constantly self censor my online presence. I believe in free exchange of ideas, open debate, neutral and balanced application of law, election integrity, medical freedom, the scientific method, and informed consent. Throughout the 2020 election cycle and then as COVID-19 ran roughshod throughout our world, it became clear to me (and many others) that leading social media tech companies didn’t share the same values. If I didn’t have so many photos saved on FB, I might have raised more of a stink. But as it was the middle of Lent, I left quietly, intending to return after Easter.

I find sometimes it’s easy to be myself
Sometimes I find it’s better to be somebody else

Easter came and went. I had no desire to be Fake Julie anymore. No, that’s not right. I wasn’t being fake on FB. I just wasn’t being fully myself. And it was feeding my anxiety and depression. I was afraid I might lose friendships for speaking my mind. Turns out those “friends” weren’t really friends at all and it seems they’ve stepped away from my mask-less self of their own accord anyway. I still love them, but I’m learning to let go.

Still, I find I’m trapped in this closet of my head, unable to speak up. Words tumble over themselves, crashing into nonsense. I am bruised and exhausted. I need to speak freely.

But, no, let’s t-talk about the weather.

…

Open up my head and let me out.