poetry • art • marriage • momhood • faith

Capture Your Grief Day 16: Seasons

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On December 4, 2010, the world changed.  Who noticed?

My fourth son, John Blaise, was due on April 24, 2011—Easter Sunday that year.  Instead, I went into premature labor at 20 weeks, the first Friday in December to a backdrop of twinkle lights. Our little boy still had a heartbeat when we got to the hospital that night, but by the time he was born in the wee hours of Saturday, December 4, his heart had stopped.

That was a difficult Christmas.

And Easter.

Though the date for Easter Sunday moves each year, I can’t help but associate April 24th with Easter and John.  And now, with Alexander too since  April 24th was the date that my pregnancy with Alexander “began,” two weeks before he was conceived… on Mother’s Day.

Alexander was due on January 29, 2014, but given my history of early labor, I was just hoping to make it til Christmas.  Instead, my water broke on Labor Day.  He had a heartbeat then, but by the time he was born the next day on September 3rd, his heart was quiet.

With these two boys, my entire calendar has been painted differently.  They are most closely tied, in my mind, to Christmas and Easter, especially.  It is too soon to say how this year will be different than last since only 7 weeks have passed since Alexander was born still.

I expect we will try to attend Christmasville to celebrate John’s birthday; it always falls close to his birthday, and it feels like a party just for him. I will cling close to our special Christmas traditions, like decorating cut-out Christmas cookies, reading our favorite Advent story book with the boys, listening to Christmas music while snuggled with the boys in the dark, enjoying the multi-color glow of the Christmas tree. I don’t like to cram too many obligations into December.  I’ve found that high expectations and full calendars make the Christmas season more emotionally difficult for me. We try to keep our gift lists simplified too.

Through his absence, John Blaise has taught me to focus more on the “important stuff,” none of which can be gift wrapped.

I am unsure what this spring will bring for me.  With Easter and Mother’s Day both being newly emotionally charged, both may be difficult.  But I’m going to try to appreciate the moment God has given me now. Whatever season I happen to be in, I know He is in it with me.

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To take part in #captureyourgrief for 2013 visit this link to get all of the information http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2013/09/capture-your-grief-october-2013.html. To see the facebook event please click here https://www.facebook.com/events/735339813149251/

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torch bearing quietly

I will not act out, will not
yell or curse or slam doors,
will not make a scene -- you
do not deserve such a chance
to make an example out of me
to be proven right since you
are not. Instead, I'll stand
at this street corner, raise
my hand high and clench that
light which yet remains. It
will burn brightly, quietly,
fiercely before fading as I.

Then I'll be gone but found.

©JAC 2005

Poetry by Julie Ann Cook!

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