poetry • art • marriage • momhood • faith

Of Dreams and Bad Sleep

Six mornings ago I woke in mourning.  I had miscarried a second child.  I was sure of it.

I knew I had been dreaming.  But the line between wraith and reality had been blurred. I no longer knew where fears-turned-dreams ended and memories began.

What is it called when you can fall asleep at the drop of a hat, but you wake up a dozen times throughout the night, toss, and go back to dream-riddled-sleep?  Is that still considered insomnia?

Those too-real dreams can really affect a girl, and so, even though I realized the truth of it before I had finished my bowl of cereal, I was left in a funk.  I’m still not sure if I’ve fully shaken it.

Since then, I have been having night after night of restless sleep. I have tried going to bed early to allow myself to actually rest.  I have tried staying up and going to bed exhausted.  I have tried taking a sleep aid for the first (maybe second) time in my life.  Nothing has helped.  (And for the record, the Advil PM made matters worse.)  Today I cut out all caffeine.  Except chocolate. So I struggled with a headache all day.  And now I’m up past my bedtime.  But maybe, just maybe, I’ll dream happy, restful dreams tonight.

Or none at all.

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torch bearing quietly

I will not act out, will not
yell or curse or slam doors,
will not make a scene -- you
do not deserve such a chance
to make an example out of me
to be proven right since you
are not. Instead, I'll stand
at this street corner, raise
my hand high and clench that
light which yet remains. It
will burn brightly, quietly,
fiercely before fading as I.

Then I'll be gone but found.

©JAC 2005

Poetry by Julie Ann Cook!

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Love Like Weeds
by Julie Ann Cook
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