poetry • art • marriage • momhood • faith

the feeling that I’m feeling is overwhelming…

Eight days ago I pulled an all-nighter in a desperate attempt to wrap volume 2, issue 1 of Shakespeare’s Monkey Revue in time to get copies up here in time for the intended release party. I managed, but in the fog of sleep deprivation.

In the days that followed, I pushed to get confirmed RSVPs for the Makepeace Brothers backyard concert that I had planned for last night.

Two days ago I shot off an overwhelmed email off to the guys to relay the sad condition of the “confirmed” list. I knew there was no way we could make it work as originally planned. Fortunately, the band reassured me that it’d work out.

And it did.

Though not quite what any of us had planned, the concert last night was excellent and SO much fun. Because of the threat of rain, we moved inside; turned out we could have stayed outside — the rain hit hard all around us, but none hit our house. Still, inside worked out well, though it was hot. More than half of the guests were people I had never met before, which was cool, but disappointing that more of my friends couldn’t make it. Overall, any “issues” (including my social awkwardness and naivete) were few and surmountable. For me, it was definitely worth the stress, exhaustion and general sense of being overwhelmed beforehand. I would be happy to do it again.

The Makepeace Brothers LRC 8/7/08

And yet…

Even with “Lovely” and “Things Gonna Wait” still playing in my head, I still — or rather, again — feel overwhelmed. This time with poison, with anger, with the question of a cliche: why do we hurt the ones we love?

Despite the fair number of people who attended (including a handful who went out of their reasonable way to come), several others who said they would try to did not show. And one person who gave a definite “yes” did not follow through. That person is like family; maybe that’s why I was so easily blown off. Regardless, it hurt. And though I know I should drop it and move on, I am not ready to let go of this anger. I would not and have not ever done this to this person. But this is not the first time I have been disappointed by this “best friend.” So I’m wondering why I keep putting myself in the vulnerable position where I allow this to happen again and again. All I can come up with is that I love this person with whom I have shared some of my happiest moments. I guess the joy is worth the hurt.

Still, my expectations remain (apparently) high, though part of me is resigned to the expectation of disappointment. I have learned I cannot count on this person — unless it’s a life or death situation. I have learned expect to be the last to know and to expect her to be the last to show. I don’t expect my calls to be returned, not the first or fifth.

But I believe in soulmates, and that we may have more than one. I believe she is one of mine.

One thing I don’t know is if she feels the same about that.

Regardless, to quote Jason out of context, “the way it unfolds is yet to be told.”

I’m searching for peace in this…

5 Comments

  1. Chucka Stone Designs Chucka Stone Designs
    August 8, 2008    

    If I wasn't running late for the RMV this morning I was definitely going to email to find out how it all went last night! It is good to hear that the show itself went off great. I am so loving that they were hanging & playing barefoot 🙂 Were they just as friendly & awesome as they seem? how many did you actually have? Any RKOP'rs?

    I would have been there in a NY minute if there were no financial restraints on me right now. It is a bummer to hear that there were some, especially a close friend, who did not show & did not explain why. The peace is in knowing you are not the type of person to do that and that is quite a respectible thing 🙂

    On top of that you were able to meet new people and enjoy the company of them in an entirely different way than if a best friend was in the room. The dynamic would have been completely different.

    BTW, have you recovered from sleep deprivation? Thought you were giving that post to someone else, no?

  2. Ginger Ginger
    August 9, 2008    

    yeah, i have friends like that. after a while i just resigned myself to the understanding that they’re flaky and that’s just part of who they are. i can love them with their faults or i can admit that i have conditions i need met and move on. i’m willing to bet you’ll still love them, regardless. the piece that’s missing seems to be your acceptance of them just as they are, right? anyway, that’s my 2 cents so i’ll shut up now.

    i’m happy it did all work out and that you had fun. i hope you’re sleeping now. xoxoxo

  3. artjewl artjewl
    August 9, 2008    

    Jenn & Ginger, I totally wish you guys could have been here! The guys were friendly and easygoing. Conor even helped me out in the kitchen before people showed, and he let the littlest munchkin play the uke. Cute.

    OH! It was so funny — at one point Finian picked up a nearby Curious George book and started reading it — mid show — in a Bri'ish accent. After about 2 pages, he stopped and put the book down, at which point the 4-yr-old chimed in "That's not how it ends!" Everyone laughed. 🙂

    Jenn, you're absolutely right — it was very cool to meet some fellow MPB (and by default, Mraz) fans in the area. I'm sure that next time Mraz is in town I'll have someone to go with. As for having a best friend in the room, it all depends on the person. I did have another "gold" friend in the room, one who came from out of her way. But because she's "self sufficient" and easily relates to just about any group of strangers, I didn't have to worry about entertaining her; but she was there to help with the kids and to dance with when Jonathan wasn't so up for it.

    Ginger, you're absolutely right. That's exactly my problem, and I hadn't been able to see that till you said it. And while I think you're right that I'll accept it in the end, right now I am still so angry (to the point of tears, still) I can’t think about it logically. I feel so passive aggressive over this. I want to mail her a page of Emily Post, which I’m sure is, ironically, extraordinarily poor etiquette. But I also honestly wonder if she doesn’t realize the extent of how her actions disappoint and hurt. I mean, I have seen her do the same sort of thing to her husband and parents. I don’t know if anyone’s ever taken her aside and said, “Look, it’s not right that you do this.”

    Common sense or not, maybe someone needs to point it out.

    As for sleep… last night I went to bed around 10… and aside from 15 minutes this morning to get the boys breakfast, I slept til 11. Much needed.

  4. artjewl artjewl
    August 9, 2008    

    oh, and we had about 20 total, including kids. One was an ROKP’r who brought about 5 friends. Not everyone was there at the same time – some came late and some left early.

  5. Ginger Ginger
    August 9, 2008    

    yes, she probably needs to be told that her lack of courtesy is unacceptable and hurtful. if you can muster the confidence to do it you are definitely a better woman than i am. i’ve never been able to do that unless it was in anger and then i always regret it. i’m a big wuss.

    that sounds like so much fun! i heart curious george and i probably would’ve been rolling on the floor with laughter if it had been in a bri’ish accent! i bet you have the cutest kids in the world!

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torch bearing quietly

I will not act out, will not
yell or curse or slam doors,
will not make a scene -- you
do not deserve such a chance
to make an example out of me
to be proven right since you
are not. Instead, I'll stand
at this street corner, raise
my hand high and clench that
light which yet remains. It
will burn brightly, quietly,
fiercely before fading as I.

Then I'll be gone but found.

©JAC 2005

Poetry by Julie Ann Cook!

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