poetry • art • marriage • momhood • faith

Pregnant Nightmares

I woke up this morning in the middle of a pregnancy-driven nightmare. I’ve had weird dreams and nightmarish ones before with this pregnancy and the last, but this one really had me shaken. Sometimes when you have a nightmare, you realize while you’re dreaming it that it’s just that, a dream. But this was one of those that leave you with your guts in a knot and sure that it was real.

This one involved the baby coming too early — NOW — 4 months ahead of schedule. I was going into labor, knowing something wasn’t right, trying to get SOMEONE to get me to the hospital, freaking out. No one else understood the urgency. (For some reason, DH wasn’t around, just my immediate family.) They were getting ready to take me, but weren’t rushing at all. Meanwhile, the baby is starting to come out breeched, (and this part is absurd, I know, but it was real in the dream) and at the end, the one leg kept popping out and I kept pushing it back in, crying and crossing my legs.

I’m sure it can be interpreted that it all means I just don’t feel prepared yet for this child — and in a lot of aspects, I don’t. But that aside, I’m still shaken by and feel sick to my stomach over it.

I’m glad I woke up when I did, because 10 minutes later and Jonathan would have already left for work, and then I would have been even more freaked. I’m also grateful that this little bugger is a kicker and was bouncing on my bladder when I woke — never has THAT sensation been so comforting.

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torch bearing quietly

I will not act out, will not
yell or curse or slam doors,
will not make a scene -- you
do not deserve such a chance
to make an example out of me
to be proven right since you
are not. Instead, I'll stand
at this street corner, raise
my hand high and clench that
light which yet remains. It
will burn brightly, quietly,
fiercely before fading as I.

Then I'll be gone but found.

©JAC 2005

Poetry by Julie Ann Cook!

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Love Like Weeds
by Julie Ann Cook
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